90ies Persona

Haih , I'm a nineties person. Thats such a random statement but its true. I am a nineties person. Its weird but again true. In my personal opinion the nineties was a great era because it was the time where we completed the transition from retro to trendy. People somehow began to look out the box and somehow everything came together and made sense. But thats not really why I'm a nineties person. The real reason that spurred my deep interest in that time was because of the media. Everything  I read, watched or listened to was changing after being touched by the nineties. And I liked it very much. It was at this time that I took to watching movies and listening to music. The new age of RnB hip hop and boy-bands was...a phase I wont forget. And then there were movies like space jam and toy story that I could watch over and over again and never feel bored with. I like to think of it like a wave. One that carrying a strong message with it. That the millennium  was here and it was bringing new changes along with it. haih I love the nineties so much.

Inspirational>>>

Once a week I get inspired and feel alive every time during the same time for a duration of about 3-4 hours in the presence of the same company. This inspiration is more than the average help as it is my required dosage that helps me maintain my sanity and keeps me thinking straight in the wake of problems. My problem begins much later when the instigated inspiration wears off  from my body. What then do I do for the the next 6 days and +hours. How do I keep myself staying inspired to keep to the right track and stay on it. How do I keep the right frame of mind the rest of the week to decide and differentiate on whats wrong and whats right. Most of all how on earth do I keep the inspiration coming non-stop without having fallen and if so not failing to get up.

Someone wise will tell me to step up and find inspiration within. All that of course sounds very nice, except that its not. No I  don't find inspiration or at least the idea of it inside me intriguing and even if it is somewhere inside me wedged between my bloody organs Its hard to find because it chooses to stay hidden and otherwise quite frankly I think the whole idea is stupid to begin with. So in a bid to find a temporary solution to my problem I now avoid problems. How do I avoid it? I stay hidden at home. See, if I stay hidden indoors at home I wont have to go out and look for problems and therefore don't seek inspiration to have to face and fix anything. So my life instantly becomes easy. Now what happens if problems come finding me at my door step. Then Ill have no choice but to fix it then and there unwillingly of course but still at least in the comfort and security of my comfort zone.

So far this arrangement has worked out well for me and its all good. In a perfect world, self-exile would work really well for me and I'm all up for the idea "but" it has come to my attention lately that this is apparently not a way to live ones life mine being the one in question. So now I'm supposed to go out more often and find inspiration outside more often and face my problems more often. Again frankly I think its a whole load of humbug that makes sense in the wake of my sad denial. So while I enjoy reaping the benefits of being in self-exile by having not to motivate myself and face any problems and slowly disintegrate into a vegetable I will try to find a new way to keep inspired, Hopefully soon>>>

The ideal place for me is the one in which it is most natural to live as a foreigner.
Italo Calvino

Again & Again

Its that time again. Nearly 2 years down this road and you would expect that I would at least be one step closer to accepting my fate and coming to terms with this horrid place. Not even close>,< I still despise it as much as ever. I still loathe it and wish t would burn down to the ground. But then that's just wishful thinking now isnt it. The clever thing to do would be to accept my fate as it is and try to move forward. Haih... easier said then done. Am so not looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be another torture of 2 months. I must look at the bigger picture. Just work at it and get the bloody hell out of here in one piece. Im doing this for a reason and I mustn't forget that. Eventually it all boils down to that. WHY I DO WHAT I DO.

Feeling at home ^L^

~Home is where the heart is. It smells like home, tastes like home, sounds like home, looks like home and even feels like home. But sadly it isn't home at least not anymore.~

I love coming back to Penang. I don't know why but it just makes me feel happy to be somewhere I can relate to. Every time I come to Penang house I notice the little changes made to the house here and there and although the house is in much better shape than it was 15 years ago its different and become somehow distant from me. In my mind the house lives as a fragment of my memory while growing up. It was the place I spent 7 years of my life and although it was the hardest of times it was the happiest moments I lived as a family. But the harsh truth now is in reality every existing evidence that once bore testament to the life my family and I lived here has been erased by a fresh coat of paint, new furniture sittings and renovations. All the rooms of the old house welcome me like one of the many strangers that have over the years spent their nights here. It doesn't  remember me and doesn't recognize me anymore.
Its sad but every time I come back here I try to find my place here. I try to fit in or blend in with the house so that I can make myself feel at home again. But its not there. Ive lost that feeling. I lost the feeling of feeling at home the day I left my home many years ago. I left it there alongside the many other priceless possessions I had to leave behind like my toys and teddy bears and school bag and books and ...more. Although over the years Ive literally found myself a new place to live it doesn't quite feel like home. To me it just feels like a temporary lodge or  pit stop before I resume my long journey called life.
As I watch the sun set and rise on this amazing bustling island I wonder to myself; Will I ever feel at home again? Its been such a long time, would I even know what it feels like? I do hope that someday I might be able to come back here again and make up for lost times. But then again I don't really know anything for sure anymore. All I do know is that I can hope that one day I know what it feels like again and when I do , Id like to share it with a family that will be waiting for me to come home to them.

A lil tug at my heart..ooOO

Ive plenty of work to do. Aside from actually repeating that in my head I haven't come around to doing something or anything aside from an occasional finger lifting, about it because I'm overcome by this enormous feeling of fatigue, guilt and just sheer laziness. I'm sick and tired of attempting to attempt to change the predispositions of my life. My life used to be so easy to administer. I woke up, I did enough work to pull through the day and make everyone happy and then when the day drew to a close I closed shop and went to bed contented. Alas the present case doesn't quite fit the bill. Plenty of work and administration is required to maintain the extravagant lifestyle I currently live by. And in my bid to sustain it I have been not short of shortcomings which are not all that short in size. Not a very good thing if you look at it from an individuals perspective. But it all gets a tad wee bit more complicated when your work is inter-connected with other people. Mind you that they don't have to be directly linked to it just associated by sheer nosiness. So this creates an expectation. One that needs to be fulfilled and fulfillment that needs to be meet up with. Chaos ensues when all these things don't come together in unison and order. A whole lot of chaos in my head leading to the fatigue, guilt and laziness to deal with the present problem and a lame attempt of avoidance instead. HmMmMmMmMmMmMmMm what to do what to do what to do>>>?

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago” Friedrich Nietzsche quotes

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."  Aldous Huxley

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."  Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

'It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it." Author Unknown

Semester-finale'

“This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

 Winston Churchill quotes


Its that time of the year again when the semester draws closer to an end and its time to evaluate. It feels like it just began and its already coming to a close-well at least not for a month or so but still feels damn close. What have I learned, not much considering my retaining power is like dirt low. Which brings me closer to the question of just what is it that I want considering what I want is between the lines. Somehow Ive always thought that if you pretend hard enough not to have a problem then it simply gets swept down the carpet lying there with the rest of the mess. While out of sight gets it out of mind it doesn't really fix the problem. So what to do then-do. What I'm supposed to do is take the bull by its horns. It sucks indefinitely, but it brings a resolution which means an end rather then a merry-go round.
Right now I wanna focus on the good things and hopefully let them pay of. Work work work.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

Mary Anne Radmacher quotes

ThOuGhTs...(@,@)

I cant remember how many countless times Ive said this. I'm sooooo sick, tired, exhausted, and, fed-up. But I shouldn't be complaining. Ive got it good. So why then cant I count my blessings and be thankful for what I have especially for the opportunities gifted to me. Worst of all why cant  I utilize them properly. Haih I need to pick myself and move forward. I cant afford to fall down and remain fallen especially when it feels like the entire world has bets laid out on that exactly happening. 


That aside another issue on my mind is how short life can get and how it can end so abruptly. The close call with burglar has left me feeling afraid and paranoid. It just doesn't feel safe anymore. Nothing does. Noises before were just plain everyday noises heard and merely dismissed but nowadays they send a spark of in my head. Sometimes I reenact the images of that day trying to put it in order and make sense of it. I play it over and over again in my head hoping that I could have done something different somewhere that might have changed the sequence of incidents and not leave me feeling so helpless. I'm thankful that things didn't get ugly for me that day but having everyone around me tell me that you were lucky to escape alive doesn't make me feel any better.

Although I hate to admit it I  think I'm still a lil shaken but all that hype has left me thinking that I haven't lived my life enough. So with little apprehensiveness I hope to embrace change. I'm not sure where or how to but somewhere and surely somehow. Hmmm maybe a visit someplace new. I've always wanted to travel somewhere, but never thought much of it because of the cost and time. I think nows the right time to start searching. Hmmmm and while we are on that I hope to pick up a new hobby. Not sure what though; maybe tennis or swimming; anything that will get me out the house and let me de-stress. Finally I will finish reading those tamil and hindi books I started ages ago but ditched over time. Most of all from now onwards I'm gonna try and take more chances. Yup I guess I will.


I hope and pray that from now onwards everything goes on fine. No more hiccups. Dear god let everything be good an work out well anddd I hope to manifest my new thoughts in to form.

Running from problems>>>

I find it so f*%$*ing hard to breath right now. I wish I could just shrug off everything from my shoulders and walk away. But that would only mean that I'm being oblivious to the fact that I have a problem and I do have a problem. It doesn't help knowing that because in the end all that ends up bringing is more anxiety. I want to so badly be able to fix things but at the moment everything feels like its spiraling out of control. I know all this started from me and I should fix things but somehow running away just seems like the easiest thing to do. Running far away to some place where I don't have to deal with my problems and can just evade having to deal wit them. Damn I wish it didn't sound and feel so much more appealing but it does. It felt great being able to just get away and breath even it was for just a little while. Forget everything, what I have to do daily , my responsibilities, my calling. It did feel good but that didn't mean it went well with my conscious. Somehow when its just yourself theres no problem in screwing up but when it involves a larger picture mainly involving people who are close to you and bear expectations of you it gets a little bit more complicated then that. So what if a bloody conscious is involved? How hard can it be to shrug it off? Very very very hard as Ive come to find out lately period. I shouldn't complain, Ive a pretty damn good life. As someone told me recently "you get paid to study " put simply that does kind off put it in perspective. Still doesn't make it any easier. I have to get my gig right and make it pronto else I risk getting sucked into a whole load of deeper shit. And that is goin to be an even bigger PROBLEM.

Theodore Rubin:
The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.

John F. Kennedy
Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.

Nice very the very nice(^>^)

I just realized something. Actually Ive know it for sometime now. I always assumed it as a part of my identity but instead of acting in my benefit, most times it turns out to behave in a manner that is disadvantageous. Still though I never really that it would affect me to such great length. So what could possibly be so distorted and wrong with me that my life is in despair.

"I'm just nice" or at least I try to be the nice guy a.k.a the loser dude. And one might wonder just as too how can being nice be a bad thing? Well it can when people assume your dispensable, replaceable, a close substitute, something that just wont make much noise even though they treat you like shit or even give you a whole load of shit. Its supposed to be okey cause all you'll ever do is squeak a little and eventually shut up. And if they spit out an apology in my  face I'll smile back, hug them and make peace like nothing ever happened. Nice ain't it.
 
Well NO its not very nice to be given a whole load of shit all the time. Especially when you get that kind of crap from the people whom you think actually gives a hoot or two about you. Its a bit disappointing but that pales in comparison to the pain and frustration that boils in me coming from seeing them behave in complete obliviousness to their actions. Its like their saying;" why its okey isn't it. I mean you should be used to this whole shit receiving end thing by now. Never mind cheer up, lets do lunch tomorrow." Makes me want to just stuff my yesterdays pair of jogging used sweaty foot adour soaked socks up their nostrils. Nevermind the fact that I'm going easy on em'  without the sneakers. But no instead me being Mr. Nice Guy,will politely and meekly say okey see you tomorrow.
 
Just when I think that it cant get any worse it does. If theres one thing I hate more than people who take advantage is that of those who offer you assistance then take the liberty to rub it in your face. The reason I throw accusations around with such conviction is simply because I don't do it. No I don't. I do offer help than forget the hell about it. So I really don't appreciate it when some ass offers help then be a pain of a whossy by whining about it endlessly. Especially when I started out alone and wasn't seeking help in the bloody first place .I just don't get it. It almost turns out to be like an investment and I as sure as hell ain't looking forward to knowing the returns I'm obliged to cave in to.

Im sick of it all. Sick of standing second if not last in line and being the 'compensated for' or 'leftover acceptor' simply because I'm just plain stupid and nice ...ohh wait its the same bloody thing isn't it. I despise people who play manipulative games in an attempt to secure their positions, even if it means they have to dance like a double headed snake. Makes me want to throw up the leftovers of my yesterdays lunch in their  faces but I cant. Why- cause its not me. I don't think I could do that sort of thing and sleep soundly at night. I think its called a conscious.

I wish I dint read between the lines so often. But when you've been surrounded by conniving people all your life it gets a bit difficult not too. The only advantage out of this is that over the years I have gotten a tad bit too used to this bloody mess and it gets easier to tell those of with ill intentions AND even then I let my guard down. Its tiring and exhausting and nowadays I just throw my hands in the air and walk away. I miss good nice people...Where the hell are you people?

Unhappy;-(

Things have gotten a little hectic and a little hellish lately. Its surprising to see how so much can happen in such a little time. Right now I feel as if, everything is spiraling out of control as I  get sucked down a deep plunging hole of gushing torrential darkness. I wish I knew where to begin the unraveling,so I can find my way back But I don't. In a nutshell to sum up everything; I'm kinda lost and I hate the way everything is turning out for me right now.But then again thats not the only thing I hate right now.

I hate the way my grandmother passed away leaving everybody lost and alone to pick up the pieces themselves.

I hate the new place I'm at now, doing what I'm supposed to like or at least should have convinced myself to like.

I hate feeling angry with the people whom I care about who are doing good, who are going away, whom I wont see again for a long time.

I hate the feeling of claustrophobia that grows inside me as I feel trapped by the dwindling space and the growing crowd around me.

I hate being asked asked to take sides and think before I speak.

I hate having almost found a reason to hate almost everybody around me.

I  hate knowing that I'm supposed to move forward but I cant simply because I cant plan ahead because I haven't let go of the past.

I hate knowing that my current actions bear deadly outcomes should I not pick up myself quickly.

And most of all;

I hate myself for feeling this way.

Nowadays I think its so much more easier to just carry a smile mask and put it on when needed too. Its either that or narrating my deep dark sad stormy story, and somehow the former seems easier to do. As for remedy, I count the days, hopping that some form of optimistic change of self, might wash over me. I know that its just a phase and Ill get over it; or at least I hope I will, but still, it feels like an eternity.

As I sit in front of an hourglass watching as the little grains of my eternity slip pass the thin narrow vile, It whispers to me; "Have some patience". It continues to say "let me do what I was built to do just as you should attend to your calling. Remember when it is dark enough, you can see the stars.

Pope John XXIII~Consult not your fears but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what is still possible for you to do and finally

Kahlil Gibran~When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.