Things have gotten a little hectic and a little hellish lately. Its surprising to see how so much can happen in such a little time. Right now I feel as if, everything is spiraling out of control as I get sucked down a deep plunging hole of gushing torrential darkness. I wish I knew where to begin the unraveling,so I can find my way back But I don't. In a nutshell to sum up everything; I'm kinda lost and I hate the way everything is turning out for me right now.But then again thats not the only thing I hate right now.
I hate the way my grandmother passed away leaving everybody lost and alone to pick up the pieces themselves.
I hate the new place I'm at now, doing what I'm supposed to like or at least should have convinced myself to like.
I hate feeling angry with the people whom I care about who are doing good, who are going away, whom I wont see again for a long time.
I hate the feeling of claustrophobia that grows inside me as I feel trapped by the dwindling space and the growing crowd around me.
I hate being asked asked to take sides and think before I speak.
I hate having almost found a reason to hate almost everybody around me.
I hate knowing that I'm supposed to move forward but I cant simply because I cant plan ahead because I haven't let go of the past.
I hate knowing that my current actions bear deadly outcomes should I not pick up myself quickly.
And most of all;
I hate myself for feeling this way.
Nowadays I think its so much more easier to just carry a smile mask and put it on when needed too. Its either that or narrating my deep dark sad stormy story, and somehow the former seems easier to do. As for remedy, I count the days, hopping that some form of optimistic change of self, might wash over me. I know that its just a phase and Ill get over it; or at least I hope I will, but still, it feels like an eternity.
As I sit in front of an hourglass watching as the little grains of my eternity slip pass the thin narrow vile, It whispers to me; "Have some patience". It continues to say "let me do what I was built to do just as you should attend to your calling. Remember when it is dark enough, you can see the stars.
Pope John XXIII~Consult not your fears but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what is still possible for you to do and finally
Kahlil Gibran~When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
