Again & Again

Its that time again. Nearly 2 years down this road and you would expect that I would at least be one step closer to accepting my fate and coming to terms with this horrid place. Not even close>,< I still despise it as much as ever. I still loathe it and wish t would burn down to the ground. But then that's just wishful thinking now isnt it. The clever thing to do would be to accept my fate as it is and try to move forward. Haih... easier said then done. Am so not looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be another torture of 2 months. I must look at the bigger picture. Just work at it and get the bloody hell out of here in one piece. Im doing this for a reason and I mustn't forget that. Eventually it all boils down to that. WHY I DO WHAT I DO.

Feeling at home ^L^

~Home is where the heart is. It smells like home, tastes like home, sounds like home, looks like home and even feels like home. But sadly it isn't home at least not anymore.~

I love coming back to Penang. I don't know why but it just makes me feel happy to be somewhere I can relate to. Every time I come to Penang house I notice the little changes made to the house here and there and although the house is in much better shape than it was 15 years ago its different and become somehow distant from me. In my mind the house lives as a fragment of my memory while growing up. It was the place I spent 7 years of my life and although it was the hardest of times it was the happiest moments I lived as a family. But the harsh truth now is in reality every existing evidence that once bore testament to the life my family and I lived here has been erased by a fresh coat of paint, new furniture sittings and renovations. All the rooms of the old house welcome me like one of the many strangers that have over the years spent their nights here. It doesn't  remember me and doesn't recognize me anymore.
Its sad but every time I come back here I try to find my place here. I try to fit in or blend in with the house so that I can make myself feel at home again. But its not there. Ive lost that feeling. I lost the feeling of feeling at home the day I left my home many years ago. I left it there alongside the many other priceless possessions I had to leave behind like my toys and teddy bears and school bag and books and ...more. Although over the years Ive literally found myself a new place to live it doesn't quite feel like home. To me it just feels like a temporary lodge or  pit stop before I resume my long journey called life.
As I watch the sun set and rise on this amazing bustling island I wonder to myself; Will I ever feel at home again? Its been such a long time, would I even know what it feels like? I do hope that someday I might be able to come back here again and make up for lost times. But then again I don't really know anything for sure anymore. All I do know is that I can hope that one day I know what it feels like again and when I do , Id like to share it with a family that will be waiting for me to come home to them.